Contrary to popular belief, and against the general subject of my music, i don't fall in love very easily.
It takes a long time, and a string of very conscious decisions. I LOVE a lot of people. But very few actually get to see the fullness of it. The part that makes the heart as sensitive as a cello string. The part that makes one completely absent while seeming to be present. I don't go there very often.
Throughout the last jump, fly, crash and break i wrote 3 of my best songs. Bones, green wings and ready to heal. I shudder to think what may be written in the coming months.
The first time it happens you punish yourself daily. You walk through the ensuing months in a shell of yourself. You go through the motions of everyday existence all the while screaming inside for someone to please touch the sides of your hurt.
As you heal you slowly, incrementally let people back in. You start to trust again. You begin to feel whole again. Eventually you feel able to feel ready to love again.
And so you fall. And it feels like you're jumping from a higher precipice, because you know the damage you might do to yourself but you do it anyway. That makes it all the sweeter.
Then, as is the nature of things you find yourself in pieces again. You wonder how you came to this place. How you ignored the signs and forgot to protect yourself.
You sit in empty rooms and try not to wish they were there. You drink wine and smoke rolled cigarettes and you play with your new kitten.
You realise that YES. It was worth it. No matter how fucked you feel. No matter how hard it will be to trust again and let go, it was worth taking that dive. For the beautiful moments you have had. For the things you have learned. For the knowledge that you will never let yourself be treated that way again. For the love you have for yourself. For the value you find in your own existence.
In essence you feel sorrow not so much for yourself but for the person you love and what they will miss out on. Also for the growth they may not ever know. At least not with you.
Then you wonder if its wise to post your thoughts on the matter online.
Then you close your eyes and click the button.
I have all my wounds sewn up
And all my bandages undressed
I have all my resources packed now
In my brown satchel-bag I carry my life inside
I'm ready to heal
I have all my questions in columns
And all my answers fit in the lines
I have all your songs in an album
And all your pictures ready to fade
I'm ready to heal
I have all that I need
With my extended family
You have no right to make me bleed
To make me bleed
I have an older sister who'll kick your arse
If you hurt me one last time
I have a younger sister who's got my back
Who helped me get myself back
From the edge where you left me.
I'm ready to love again
from Majesty and Misery,
released November 11, 2007
Piano/Vocals: Tom Dickins
Recorded, mixed, mastered and produced by Blake Bickel